Crack fic: And Dennis fails at singing
by Duckster's-Rave
Summary: I was bored, okay? Please read and rate, even if it is only to tell me to get this abomination off the internet XD
1. Chapter 1

Thir13en Ghosts - What you DIDN'T see in the movie!

NOTES: I kw that blooper fics are banned, but this isn't one because it has no film dialouge (At least that's the excuse I'm using XD) ; I hope you enjoy it! Yeah, well, at the time I found writing this extremely hilarious, making the characters completly OTT; so Dennis is now the whiny Emo guy, The First-Born Son is on a sugar rush, and the Torn Prince gets attacked by rabid fangirls - and Arthur is just Arthur XD Kurt Cobain here with a guest apperance - mainly because of a private joke I have with my friends.

Soooo, please read, rate and comment so I know whether or not to carry on with the randomness! But you know that I will anyway, rite?

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*The set of the hit TV show, America's Got Talent; some other poor fool has just been booed off stage. Lights Dim and*  
*Dennis walks onto the stage (In the outfit he's wearing at the beginning of the movie - because orange sweaters are five kinds of awesome =D)*

Dennis: *Waves like a loon at the audience - who do not seem very impressed* Hi, I'm Dennis Rafkin and I'm a - screw it, I'm gonna sing! *grabs the microphone* PlAY THE MUSIC!

Music *The Importance Of Being Idle, by Oasis* *Dennis starts singing incredibly badly*

::Backstage::

*Rest of the cast are huddled around - except for the First-Born Son, who's swinging from the rafters by one of the microphone wires*

First-Born Son *swings* LOOKIT ME, I'M TARZAAAAAAAAN! *is ignored* *smashes into the nearest wall* Owie...

Torn Prince: Okay, who gave the kid sugar?

The Jackal: *sneaking away with a large bag of candy* 'o.0

Arthur: *looking extremely bored - and boring* I never thought Dennis had talents - other than the spazzing thing.

Dennis: *Still on stage* I HEARD THAT! AIR GUITAR!! *does so*

Cyrus: *looking about as scary as a box of kittens, as usual* He can't. The boy's completley tone-deaf; you should have heard him when we were after the ghosts...T3T

Hammer: And don't get me started on the time he went through the whole Gangster-Rap phase...

Juggernaut: Yeah, but even *I* think this is a little cruel...

::On Stage::

*Song is suddenly interrupted - Dennis carries on sunging, albeit very, VERY badly*

Simon Cowell: Well...Dennis that was - *Interrupted by Dennis's bad singing, and the sound of about half the audience colapsing from the sheer awfulness of his voice*

Cowell: T_T There goes my entourage...Erm, Dennis? You can shut up now...

Sharon Osbourne: *Covers ears*

Cowell: I SAID - You can shut up now!

Dennis: *oblivious to the Audience - the half that's still concious, that is - and judges getting severly pissed off - and carries on singing*

Cowell: ...For the love of God - someone get him off the stage! *pulls his trousers even higher* SECURTIY!

::Backstage::

Whole 13G Cast: *Covers ears*

Bobby: Daddy - it BURNS! D=

Arthur: What the hell's wrong with the security guys?

First-Born Son: *Has swiped some candy from the Jackal's bag and is now having a sugar rush* Heheh... *Trips over the Torso's head, knocking it flying into the air*

Torso: HEY! ...Hey, this is actually fun! Anyone want to play volley - *smashes into a random wall* Owww

First-Born Son: oops...*runs off to a random coridoor of the backstage*

::In some random corridoor::

*For some reason the security guards are trying to chat up the Angry Princess and the Bound Woman. Don't ask XD - let's get back to this abomination of a fanfic!*

Security 1: Sooo, you girls up to anything this weekend?

Bound Woman: *has a seizure (as usual)*

Angry Princess: *Just waves knife slowly at them* Do I *look* interested?

Security Guy 2: Well, maybe a little...

Angry Princess: NO - I have stuff to do, like sitting around being all Emo, and killing lawyers (Whole cast: Yayy!) and stuff like that

Security guy 1: Oh...*continues to ogle Angry Princess*

Security Guy 2: *drools*

::Backstage - AGAIN::

First (AH, Screw it, from now on he shall be known as FBS, because the whole name's too damn long)

FBS: *Is looking for a pair of headphones to block out the noise, and a chance to steal the Jackal's candy when he's not looking*

Jackal: *standing by a BIG RED BUTTON (Oh, noes!) entitled 'DO NOT PRESS'*

FBS: Whatya doing?

Jackal: Button... I WANNA PRESS IT!

FBS: Then why haven't you already?

Jackal: Because something might happen *Dithers*

FBS: *Rolls eyes* Just press it already! What's the worst that could happen?

Jackal: I'm gonna blame you if anything goes wrong, you know ^_^ *pushes button - and the lights cut out*

FBS: Well, I suppose THAT could happen... *Grabs candy bag*

Jackal: HAY! Give that back! *Chases FBS*

::On Stage::

Dennis: *Shuts up at last as the lights go out* What the - I was just getting to the good part!

Everyone: *General sighs of releif*

Simon Cowell: *Whose teeth are so shiny they actually glow in the dark* Well, Dennis - what can we say about that performance?

Dennis: I know - I was awesome, admit it! *Ignores death-glares from all around and grins hugely*

Cowell: Actually, it was average.

Dennis: o.o

Cowell: No, saying you were average would be like giving you some kind of praise for that henious noise - it was less than average

Dennis: *Bottom lip wobbles* But...

David Hasslehoff *So tanned that he actually glows in the dark*: Let's just cut this short so's I can go off and scare some small children...I mean, do some charity work!

Cowell: Sure thing - You were the worst performer that I have ever heard - so bad, infact, that I belive that the dead actually WERE raised...

*Jackal walks on stage, looking for his bag of candy*

*The crowd explodes with fangirly screams and squeals - they're obviously not Dennis fans*

FBS: *Also backs onto the stage* Whew, I think I lost him...

Jackal: *Spots FBS and runs after him* Gimmie my candy, biatch!

FBS: Ah, CRAP! *flees*

Cowell: And there's my point proved. On a good point, you could always have a job of clearing out the football stadiums - all you'd need to do was open your mouth

Dennis: You're mean...*bursts into tears and runs offstage like a little girl*

Cowell: It's my job *shrugs and rubs hands together gleefully* Now, whose dreams shall I shatter next?

Cyrus: *Appears from nowhere, as usual, and looking pretty pissed* Hey, Mr High-Pants, I belive I'M the most evil person here! *Pokes Simon Cowell with his sword-stick thing* FEAR ME!!

Cowell: *lol's* Hate to tell you this old man, but you're as scary as a castrated puppy.

Cyrus: *pouts* But I've got a sword cane thing! *swishes it about* Fear me! ...Aw, please?

Cowell: My point stands...Next? *points at Kathy* You're a slut - *To Bobby* You're a clone of your father - *To Arthur* ...Need I even start?

::Random Coridoor::

Dennis: *runs past security and Ghosts, still wailing and now clutching a bag of cookies* BUT I *CAN* SING wahhhhhhhnotfairnotfairrrrrrrr D'=

Bound Woman: *Has another spazz* Hey, Dana, I think we found someone finally more Emo than you are...

Angry Princess: That BITCH! I'M the only Emo around here! *Runs off with her knife in the air*  
PREPARE TO DIE, WANNABE!

Bound Woman: *spazzes...yet again* She's got issues...

Pilgrimess: At least she's got fans...

Bound Woman: Good point - why don't WE have fans?

Pilgrimess: Because we're not naked...

Whole cast: *Shudders at the thought of the Pilgrimess in the nuddy*

Pilgrimess: I SAW that!!

::Backstage again (!)::

*The Ghosts have become seriously bored and have begun a game of Basketball with the Torso's head*

Torn Prince: *Slam Dunks head* Oh, yeah - two points! BOOYAH! *Holds up hands for a high five...and is ignored* Hey, WTH?

Torso's Head: Owwwww, maybe this wasn't such a good idea D8

Great Child: You totally cheated...*pouts and sits down* I dun wanna play with you no more *starts crying*

Dire Mother: *Hits Prince with her handbag...which appeared out of nowhere* Now look what you made him do!

Prince: Owww *Coughcrazyladycoughcough*

Dire mother: You say anything, punk? *Holds handbag up all threatingly-like*

Prince: No... *Coughlosercough*

Random Fangirls: *Come around the curtain in their search for the Jackal* OHMYGOD ROYCE! 8DDDD *all squeal and pile on before he can move*

Prince: I hate my life T3T

Hammer: You're dead...

Prince: I hate my death...

Hammer: Better - now who wants go go on a spending spree? I swiped Cyrus's credit card!

Juggernaut: Ain't that gonna make him mad?

Hammer: He's too depressed after the judges said he basically failed at life *Lol's*

Torso's Body: *Grabs head* I am SO there! Maybe we could pick up some chicks!

All in room: 'o_0

Hammer: I'm not even gonna ask...

Kathy: Let's get goin' then! It won't be long before the old dude notices that his car's missing - come on!

Maggie: What about your brother?

Kathy: YOU'RE the babysitter - you tell me *shrugs and follows the ghosts to Arthur's (Crappy, yes) car*

::In a random dressing room::

Dennis: *crying in a cuboard and making his way through the bag of cookies*

Kurt Cobain: (Don't ask!) *Appears in a poof of smoke* Wow, now THAT'S cool! ...Hey, where's Dave? And the Tall One?

Juggernaut: *Pokes head around the corner* Me?

Kurt: ...No - Who the hell are you?

Juggernaut: *In the style of Vinnie Jones* I'm the Juggernaut, Bitch! Anywho's, - have you seen an Emo psychic guy run off crying this way? 'Cos we're all of to the mall, and Maggie said we had to take him...like it's my fault he's fashionably challenged!

Dennis: *starts sniffling again* But sweater's are IN this season!

Kurt: *Shuts door of cuboard in which said Emo psychic is hiding* ...nope...nobody here but me 'o_0

Juggernaut: ^_^ Cool *Leaves*

FBS: *Runs into the room, now in a Nirvana T-shirt* Hey, are you Kurt Cobain? Can I have your autograph?

Kurt: *to self* This is one HELL of a dream...exactly how drunk am I? *Nods* Sure - you, erm, want me to sign your, er, arrow?

FBS: SWEET! *Leaves with his head-arrow signed in sharpie marker*

Dennis: *Quits whining at last and opens the door of his cuboard* Er, Mr. Cobain? What are you doing here? Are you like, the guy who suddenly makes everything better by giving me an amazing singing voice like yours?

Kurt: Er...actually, I'm just hiding from the fangirls.

Dennis: Oh, *looks like he's about to cry again* Not even a single lesson?

Kurt: No. Can I have a cookie?

Dennis: *Snatches bag away* Not unless you give me lessons on how to sing...

Kurt: That's a no then T_T

Dennnis: Hey, aren't you meant to be dead?

Kurt: Aren't YOU?

Dennis: Good point. You want a cookie now?

Kurt: Umm, okay ^_^

Dennis: Shame, that was the last one XD LOSER!

Kurt: You want me to tell the Ghosts where you are?

Dennis: *pouts* No...

Kurt: Then GIMMIE THE COOKIES NOW! *Makes a grab for them...and somehow they fall through a ventilation shaft back onto the stage*

Simon Cowell: Oh, No, not YOU again! - Wait - Is that Kurt Cobain?

Kurt: *Nods and wonders how drunk he actually is*

Cowell: Aren't you meant to be dead?

Kurt: Well, it's a long story - I spent most of it locked in a toilet...

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THE EPICALLY-FAILING END! ...or is it? *Goes off laughing manically*

So, yeah, this was fun to do, and I hope you liked it - I'll be doing the next chapter whenever I can XD Damn coursework T.T Who knows what the Ghosts are gonna get up to in that mall? Obviously, I do; and you people can find out when I get time to write it!


	2. 13 Ways to annoy a Psychic

13 Ways to Piss of Dennis Rafkin

Because you know you've always wanted to have ways to annoy your favorite psychic, well now you can in this handy guide!

1 – Replace all his medications with Tic-Tacs. That way, when he finds out and decides to kill you; he'll be killing you with minty-fresh breath!

2 – Lock him in the same room as Ben Moss for a good few hours, just for the lulz. Because we all know how much they love each other really…

3 – Poke him. A lot. It's just funny when he goes all twitchy, yanno?

4 – Ask him if he know Casper the Friendly Ghost, and continuously sing the theme tune from the TV show whenever he's around.

5 – Constantly refer to him as 'The BFG' or 'Jolly Green (Or orange, it depends whether he's got that sweater on) Giant'

6 – Ask him if he can 'see' the numbers for tomorrow's lottery draws.

7 – Tell him Kathy's pregnant with his kid.

8 – Tell him Kalina's pregnant with his kid. (For all you DeKath and DeKal-ship fans out there!)

9 – Remark at how much he looks like a mouse when he pulls 'that' face. You know the one.

10 – Ask him if he stole his outfit from the beginning of the movie from the geeky one off Scooby Doo (Don't you find it weird that he dresses like that and then several years later, Matthew Lillard, who plays him; is actually in the Scooby Doo movie? Well, I do – it's like he really did see the future then, and – nah, I'm just pulling your collective leg there, readers.)

11 – Follow him around wearing a sheet on your head and make ghost noises whenever he tries to speak. Make sure that the sheet has holes for when he decides to kill you, so you can see to get away. Or you could always ditch the sheet – but where would the fun be in that?

12 – Point and laugh at him for no apparent reason for several days. When he finally decides to ignore your laughing; write the word 'Emo' on his forehead with a Sharpie marker when he's asleep and watch his reaction as he tries to work out why everyone else is laughing at him as well.

13 – Ask him what he means when he says 'I had my reasons…' such as:  
"Is it 'cause you're in love with Kalina?"  
"What? No – of course not!"  
"What about Cyrus?"  
*Blink* "Are you asking what I think you're –"  
"Yeah – is it 'cause you're in love with Cyrus – I mean, his nose does invade his face at every available opportunity; but if you want to swing that way –"  
"NO! For the love of God! For the last time: I'm not gay!"  
"So it's Kalina then? I can see why, she IS pretty hot an' all that…"  
*facepalm* "It's not her!"  
*Grin* "So it IS Cyrus?"  
*Dennis bangs his head against the nearest wall* "For the love of whatever gods are out there – what did I do to piss you off this time?"  
"Sooooo, Cyrus or Kalina?"  
*eyetwitch*

And so on…

**Author's Note**

**Yayyy, another chapter-type thing up!  
Going with this incase decide to pull this off for being a blooper - but don't worry, the Ghosts will be back soon!**

**Trying to get inspiration for my other, main project; Echoes, Destiny Bond and Afterlife, but my writer's muse seems to have gone on vacation somewhere. I hope the weather's nice there…  
I'm also trying to get a few other projects rolling (Because I like to work myself so much) such as the Reality Bytes fic (Yeah, it's 13G – and it needs a better title!) my Tangent comic (I try to be an artist – you can check out my stuff at .net/user/Lantu), which also had inspiration from the film; and my original fic NeverAfter, which will be (hopefully) a blend between comic and story-writing. Along with these, I've got all sorts of art requests and trades going on – which I need to get my ass on – most of them were begun in January!**

**In other stuff – are there any Maximum Ride fans there? That's if there are any left after the latest travesty of a sequel that JP has whored out.  
Here's a quick summary for all those lucky people who haven't read it yet. I apologise for the N00b-speak in advance**

"HOMG WE'RE CELEBRITY FREAKS! LET'S GO DO SOME AIR SHOWZ TO SAVE THE PLANET AN STUFF!!!11!! 8DD"  
"OH, NOES, A SNIPER WANTS 2 SHUUT US – WAIII?" (That's not what the readers are saying…) **  
*Sniper blows up*  
"WAHHHH – NO MOAR AIR SHOWS"  
"BUT I LAIKE THEM!"  
"STFU MAX D8"  
"BUT I LOVE YOU FANG!" *FAX FAX FAX*  
"OH NOES – NINJAS R ATTACKIN US!" **(And this is all serious, by the way)  
**"HAY – LETZ ALL GO TO SKOOL! 8DD"  
*Fax Fax Fax*  
"OMG MAX! UR MOM'S BEEN KIDNAPPES, WE MUCH GO 2 TH BOTTUM OF THE OCEANZ AND SAVE HER FROM THE EVIL PPLS!"  
"Not yet you don't – you have to do some crappy course with tha Navy that only serves a purpose as a page waster!"  
"MAX IM LEAVIN THE FLOCK COS I WANNA BE A N00B"  
"WEEEE ALLL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE…GETMEOFFASFGGSADGSWAHHHHH"  
"OH NOES – A SEA MONSTER!11!"  
"HAI! I'M BACK FROM BEIN A N00B!!"  
"OH DEER, I'M GOING TO DROWN – OH, WAIT, I JUST DEVELPOED GILLS! Yayy!!11!!" **(Because THAT would happen…)  
**"OOOOH, THE RADIOACTIVE MONSTURS WANT TO HALP SAVE UR MOM! LET'S GO WITH THEM!"  
"YAYYY! WE SAVED MY MOM – HOORAH!" **(It wasn't hoorah for my bloody wallet – I wasted 13 quid on that waste of paper! And yes, there was yet MORE Fax in the end.)

And that's where it ends – and it really IS that bad. Sorry to all the remaining fans; but that book was like a rabid fangirl had JP at gunpoint and forced him to write this. And have you noticed how the last two books are from different publishers than the first three and eachother? Just a thought…

One last thing – why is this note nearly as long as the fic word-wise?


End file.
